“Loss of the Living”

                   ~ 5 min read

By:  Jenn Grayson Family & Estrangement Coach, B.A. Psychology

          Estrangement from parents, siblings, or other relatives is one of the most painful experiences as a human.  From our birth, we are born into a close family tie, where we literally depend on our family members to keep us alive.  Our basic needs as humans depends upon our parent’s love and care, and this dependence grows into an emotional attachment as we age.  It is an innate human trait to feel connected to those that we love.

         But what happens when the child becomes a young adult, and the relationship is no longer manageable or emotionally healthy for the now adult child?

        Speaking from personal experience, the stages a child will go through are the stages of grief.  When I was personally healing from my decision to go no contact, I was confused by the many different feelings I was going through.  I would go through anger, on to sadness, back to angry, and sometimes back to denial.  I couldn’t see the trees while I was in the woods!  It wasn’t until I reached an acceptance, and a true stage of personal growth, that I was able to see it for what it was!  I had been going through the stages of grief!  Much like dealing with the death of a loved one, I was grieving my living, breathing parents…. only they lived five minutes away across town!  Looking back on the years of coping with the estrangement, I can very clearly see many times where I was in various stages of grief!  The thing is you don’t always clearly move from one stage to the next.  Often dealing with grief is messy, and you bounce from stage to stage, staying in some stages longer than others, and skipping some stages all together.  It’s a mess, and as they say, grief doesn’t end, it only changes.

       The first stage, denial, I personally went through for an extended period.  I personally could not fathom how these people who I had depended on and loved for so long could treat me as they were.  I made many attempts to repair and rebuild the relationship, all attempts ending up causing me more and more pain.  When I finally saw the situation for what it was and faced the truth, I was able to step forward.

       Often, the next stage of our loss is anger.  Anger is a very natural reaction to grief and loss, especially of family that is lost but still living among us.  Bargaining is the next stage, in which it is helpful to ask yourself why you feel the bargaining would make a difference in the relationship.  Depression or sadness is the next stage, and once again, this is not always a smooth transition from stage to stage.  Often clients bounce between stages or skip a stage all together.

       The final stage is acceptance.  This in no way means that you must forgive, ignore, or excuse what has happened to you!  This is simply you recognizing what has happened, mentally processing the information, and entering a better place than you were in before!  I personally experienced a tremendous amount of growth once I reached the acceptance stage.  I was able to let go of those limiting beliefs instilled in me during childhood and my latter teenage years, which had shown itself as my inner dialogue holding me back for far too long.  Once I came to accept the estrangement, I saw life through a new lens.  I became a better mother, wife, and person because of this extremely painful loss I had endured.  I want you to know, no matter what stage of loss you are in due to estrangement, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Since pushing past the feelings of shame and guilt that sometimes arise in an estrangement, I have become more open about estrangement and the effect it has had on myself, my children, and my husband.  The more I talk about it, the more people that I hear tell me they are also estranged from a family member.  Estrangement, as inconceivable as it once was to me, is a real issue that many adults face.  I’m here to tell you, you aren’t alone, and there is room to grow through this experience!

Jenn Grayson is a family and estrangement coach, hypnotist, and consultant supporting individuals, couples and families.  She has received her undergraduate degree in psychology and has continued on to a clinical psychology doctoral program at Meridian University.  She utilizes past obstacles and experiences to help clients see through a new lens and empower themselves to live their best lives!